Passage 12, Part II: The Kindling
energy cultivation for the unprepared sensitive
This post is a continuation of my last post. If you have not read Part I yet, I recommend starting there. There are four journal entries written over the course of a week that, in combination, created a subtle but critical shift in my worldview. I shared the first two already in Part I. Here are the second two.
August 28, 2017 –
I'm going to take an intro course to qigong. I don't really know much about it but Michael told me about this center last night and they offer courses on lots of things. Qigong has something to do with energy, which I've been thinking about a lot lately so I thought I'd try it out….
It was so good. So good. The master is from Taiwan and only spoke Chinese but he has an assistant/long time practitioner/translator named Patrick, from Virginia oddly enough. I was the only student which was cool, and I learned a lot. Qigong is literally ‘vital energy/life force cultivation’ and is all about your body position and movement, breathing and meditation to strengthen and feel the energy in your body. Actually I think it's more complicated or bigger than this, but this is what we focused on today. Bill (the teacher's English name) and Patrick showed me a few postures - some sitting and some standing, and these postures allow your energy within to follow its natural channels and I swear I FEEL it. It is about the energy of heaven coming down like gravity and the energy of the earth rising up and these two energies meeting within the body. The meeting of energies, the meeting of equal but opposite forces, yin and yang. And when you channel the energy it is super powerful. If someone tries to push your arm or shoulder or anything but you are channeling the energy, you can stay centered - seated or standing firmly without being pushed over. When Bill first started explaining all this I was kind of on board but also kind of like yeah ok. Then he gave a demonstration. He had us stand face to face and push against each other's hands. I put my full force into it, and at first I could feel his force pushing back. He told me he was using his muscles against my muscles. Then we paused and tried again. This time I swear I felt like I was pushing against a brick wall. There was no push or resistance on his side. The first time he was stronger than me but I could still feel the resistance and push. The second time it wasn't like that. It really felt like I was pushing up against a concrete wall. He said that that time he was channeling qi. Ok. That was convincing. Bill said I had really strong energy, good intention and good control for my first time. He even said that I have a special gift or ability, and it honestly made me feel good because it confirmed that I haven't been crazy with all these thoughts lately about me being able to feel energy. The whole thing was cool. Hard to describe here but I feel good about it. I'll have to try on my own some more. Bill said that once you practice more you can feel external energies better too and then feel a fluidity between internal and external energies. And eventually, I think this all allows for access to higher awareness. Cool. Anyway, then I started walking home and Patrick rode up on his motorcycle and gave me a ride all the way to town (I'd walked two hours to get there). I got a panini and peanut butter banana smoothie.
August 30, 2017 –
I went back for one more qigong class before leaving Pai. I went to the Open Mind Center and it went well. Bill actually called me a prodigy and said he would take me on as a student. That would be cool, but I'm going to Myanmar. I learned more standing positions today and these were harder, but I could still feel the energy strongly within me. Bill explained that it is not really even our energy. We are just containers for energy and have to break our old bad posture and habits and readjust in order to let the energy flow properly through us and use it/ be in tune with it. I like the concept. I'm into it. I wish I could have more classes and learn from Bill, but Diego already left for Chiang Mai and I told him I'd meet him in the morning to go to Myanmar together.
I didn’t know it at the time, but these two qigong classes marked the beginning of something huge for me. I’d already felt a spark, or something shift, from my encounter with Yo, but these classes were my first real experiences of consciously cultivating energy – of feeling it, trusting it, and realizing it wasn’t all in my head. It was subtle, but something clicked. If Yo struck the match, these classes with Bill were the kindling.
One thing that stands out to me now though is how unserious it all felt back then. For one, none of this was something I sought out. I was not looking for a master or a guru or a miracle. I’d spent most of the week taking naps, drinking mango smoothies and staring at clouds and rice fields from the comfort of my hammock. I met Yo by chance, and I decided to go to this class on a whim, just to do something. And two, I was amazed at what I saw and felt of course, but not enough to rearrange my travel plans and become Bill’s protégé. I knew I’d never forget what happened, but I didn’t realize how much these moments would impact me.
And yet they did – they had a heavy hand in shaping me into the person I am now, the person I’m still becoming.
I never thought of myself as “spiritual” or “meditative” or any of those things back then. Yes I practiced yoga, and yes I’d experimented with hallucinogens enough to think that there is more to life than what we see. But I did yoga for exercise, and I definitely wasn’t trying to awaken my third eye or anything by meditating. But after those classes I started sitting in stillness, breathing, focusing on the qi rising and falling within my body. I’d sit for just five or ten minutes even, and that was the beginning of meditation for me.
That was the start of me connecting inward, of becoming more intentional and consciously aware of energy both within and around me. Now, after years of chance experiences like these – meeting teachers and exploring many styles and forms and modalities, meditation is a daily part of my life. I practice Vipassana, a specific meditation technique taught by S.N. Goenka, and for me it is a commitment beyond the fleeting moments of altered consciousness. But it didn’t just fall in my lap. It began as a small spark years ago and with time grew into a warm, steady flame.
Some moments don’t announce themselves as life-changing. Sometimes a seed is planted without us realizing it, and only later do we notice how much it has grown.
